partnership

This is great. Today Samuel and Eva were arguing about who could watch what on the TV. Samuel had chosen one thing and Eva had chosen another. They were arguing about what to watch as the third thing. Neither one of them would use the computer's DVD player (so that both of them could watch something different at the same time!) and both of them were refusing to watch shows that they themselves had picked out at the library earlier in the day. After about 15 minutes of negotiating and listening and getting nowhere I decided to try something a little different. During the negotiations I had been trying to lead both kids to a place that would benefit both of them, something that would benefit their partnership. At different points one or the other would move in that direction but then the stakes would be remembered- "Hey it is my turn!" or "But I don't like watching a show on the computer, remember?!

What I decided to do was get clear in my own mind that something would come up that would benefit both of them. My exact thoughts were- "What does the partnership want?" I was quiet with that for a second or two- things move quickly in mind-time. Once I was comfortable, I found exactly what to say to them- they could choose a show together or one of them could watch a show on the computer or one of them could come back outside with me (where I had been gardening before they brought me in for negotiations). As soon as I said it I realized they had been wanting me to choose who could have the TV and I didn't want to. I think this was one of the main reasons they weren't able to resolve the issue.

Pretty quickly everything shifted. Eva got up from the couch and said she wanted to go outside with me. Samuel sat down to watch the show he had wanted. Once outside, Eva started playing a game with trucks and rocks and pieces of wood. Within ten minutes Samuel was outside asking to play with her. We all stayed outside together, me gardening, Samuel and Eva playing with the trucks for over an hour and when I was ready to come in for something to eat they asked me to stay outside longer- to play- together! Hooray for partnership! I am happy to say that it has been smooth sailing for the rest of the evening as well. Imagine that?!

I have learned a great deal about partnership from my parenting coach Scott Noelle and from reading Riane Eisler and while I feel like I still have a long way to go in implementing partnership strategies in my life, it is to me one of the most important shifts to work on.



First spring Nettle on Sauvie Island today.