letting go

Magnificent. Geese. Lots and lots of geese. Hail. Sunshine and clouds. Geese calling. Spark of spring, winter chill. Violets scenting. I was thinking today about letting go and when do you know when to let go- of anything? A favorite color? A favorite book? And how it really is such a process, not a one-time-get-it-out-of-your-system thing. More practice there. Try saying yellow. Or taking it day by day. Today it is orange. For those tiger lilies over there. For that ladybug. Pink for that party dress. Catcher in the Rye for when I was in 9th grade and Dead Souls for College and Anais Nin for right now, on this day. But usually not green. Or mysteries.

Sometimes there is a concerted effort and processing afterward for days and days and weeks as we practice remembering that we have let that go. I think- I do not want that any more. It is a matter of remembering over and over again even when it looks good. I forget what I don't want. Even when we think back to how much we wanted it before. I always wanted a coat like that. It never worked out. Do I still want a coat like that? I let that one go. Can I pick it up again? Do I even want to?

We remember something we wanted to do. It marks us. How hard it is to be who we are in this moment and not who we thought we were then. Or even who we were then. Or who we wanted to be. Wistfulness. I wanted to be her and was not. Now I am me. Do I want to be a person who always says purple? So sure. Such a color. Such history. The color of royalty. It is with regret that we let go of these things that have shaped who we are, who we think of ourselves as, who we believe ourselves to have become. It is when we take these things to be permanent, ourselves to be permanent, that our regret catches up with us. Who will I be if I let that go?