connection!

Samuel was telling me earlier that he was having an awful day, a really hard time. My first reaction was one of surprise. Sometimes I think he is enjoying himself and then he tells me he is most definitely not and I feel confused. Frustrated. Annoyed. Tired. Or he tells me that the day is awful and I remember seeing him at some point smiling and playing. This time I let these thoughts come and go in my mind and I said to him, "Do you want to come and sit on my lap?"

At first his eyes lit up but then he sighed and slumped forward. "No."

So I asked, "Is there anything we can do to help you feel more connected?" Samuel replied that sometimes there was just nothing I could do to help him feel more connected. Maybe he didn't even want to feel connected. How about that?

OK- I can relate to this. I don't want anyone messing around with how I am feeling sometimes, trying to convince me to give up my frustration for cheer when I am not quite ready. It is a fine line between stuffing emotions and letting them go when you are ready. At the same time I felt I had hit on something with Samuel and wondered if he was needing some time to connect and what would happen if he got it. So I sort of stuck around. I went into the kitchen and made a snack, puttered around with picking up, busying myself but not become too busy that I wouldn't want to be interrupted. I was available but not obtrusive.

In came Samuel. When I turned around in the kitchen at one point he had set up several groupings of his bionicles who he has been playing with the last couple of days and he started asking me questions- which ones did I like best, why, did I want to hear what they were all about, what their story was? Are you kidding? Or course I wanted to know! Tell me every single detail about what that guy does and how you built him. Where does he live? Who does he fight against.

An hour later, Samuel is definitely having a better day. Smiles. Enjoyment. Inspiration. Connection! And check it out- I have time to blog, check my email, make dinner, knit...

My friend Julie sent me some surprise books in the mail today! One of the books was the book of poems The Niagara River by Kay Ryan. I opened the book up to the poem Rubbing Lamps and wanted to share it here-

Things besides
Aladdin's and
the golden cave
fish's lamps
grant wishes.
In fact,
most lamps
aren't lamp-
shaped and
happen by
accident: an
ordinary knob
goes lambent
as you twist
or a cloth turns
to silver mesh
against a dish-
something
so odd and
filled with promise
for a minute
that you spend
your only wish
wishing someone else
could see it.

This reminded me so much of when I was younger and I wished I could somehow hook my brain up to a friend's to show them exactly what I felt or perceived or saw, so that they could understand me, see where I was coming from, connect with me over my point of view. How I wanted to see how they saw things, what they perceived, how their understanding was different, when their feelings felt the same. So much of life is sharing our thoughts, perceptions, inspirations with others...connecting with them where they are from where we are. Meeting one another, sharing what we love.

leatherman tour

The kids and I took a tour of the Leatherman factory today. I have to say it was amazing to see the tools being cut and polished and put together into the final product. Samuel of course took his Leatherman and was excited to compare his with the different pieces we were shown along the tour. I had no idea Leatherman made pruning shears! I would say the highlights of the tour for us were the robotic arms and the polishing stones- they put different metal pieces in these large metal vats. There were different types of stones in the vats, depending on the type of polishing being done. The large vats were shaking up the rocks and polishing the pieces of metal found inside, like giant rock polishing machines!

Truly amazing what the robotic arms could do- moving pieces over and over, polishing, cutting, shaping. Our guide told us humans used to do the jobs the robotic arms now performed. I couldn't imagine. She added that the humans doing those jobs usually lasted just 3-4 years until their joints were worn out from repetitive stress.

Of course the skilled workers who assembled different parts of the Leathermen were amazing as well- assembling eighty Leathermen per hour- think of that! Eighty! Our guide told us that she could assemble one Leatherman, possibly, in an hour, and poorly at that. Imagine! The thing I marvelled at while watching them assemble the Leathermen was that they appeared calm in their assembly- they were not rushed or harried seeming at all.

charlie

Feeling sad and missing our rat Charlie. He passed away this afternoon. The kids and I spent the morning and some of the afternoon holding him and keeping him warm and snuggled in a towel and blanket, comfort and companionship during his transition from this way of being. We talked about how much we enjoyed our time with him and how much we will miss him. I hope to bury him this evening during a break in the rain.

So many things to remember- when we brought him home from the rat rescue place, how he ran under the car before we could get in the car, how we didn't know how much rats really liked to sit on your shoulder, Eva dressing up in her "Charlie outfit" to protect her skin from scratches and tickles, nearly losing him when Eva took him outside and recovering him when he heard me calling him from the other side of the fence!, how much he liked to share eggs in the morning and how our dog Jack begged for food from him, how he turned away from us when he was eating something particularly yummy, how he was out running around once and found Eva's malted milk balls and opened up the container and started taking the pieces of candy one after the other and hiding them behind the bookcase, how he squeaked and wouldn't let me pick him up when he had food to eat in his mouth, how he bumbled along, how high he could jump, how he gnawed at his cage bars to get our attention and let us know he wanted snackies, how he liked anything and everything to eat and how I could always share a snack with Charlie, particularly chocolate chips, how he could smell you opening a bag of potato chips from across the room.

As always I have appreciated spending time with another species, learning about the world from his perspective, as much as that is possible. I am grateful for his friendship and ratty ways and appreciate his ways of letting me know that he enjoyed my company as well. I remember when I knew that he had connected to us all as his family. I will miss his company and his love. No one but no one enjoys fine food like a rat! And who else can snuggle and fall asleep on the back of your neck while you knit...



Eva day before yesterday holding Charlie



Eva's recent photos of Charlie



Eva's yesterday photo of Charlie with Chicky; Charlie today snuggled in a blanket before he passed on.

talking about frontal lobe development on a parenting list i am on, one of the list founders posted this visual of the brain to illustrate that what we sometimes think of as *misbehaviors* in children are in reality the result of undeveloped frontal lobes. the frontal lobe regulates self-motivation, appropriateness of behavior, impulse control.

i am currently reading my stroke of insight by jill bolte taylor and am finding the chapters on brain science fascinating and really applicable to thinking about children's behavior, particularly those behaviors deemed socially unacceptable behaviors. i added this to a parenting list today and wanted to share it here-

In the book Taylor talks about the limbic system, the part of the cerebral cortex that has to
do with emotions. When we have sensory input, we have a an emotional response
to that input in the limbic system first and we have a thought about it after.
Our limbic system is active throughout our lives but it does not mature, making
it possible for us to have an emotional response like a two year old as an adult
(or as a nine year old or fifteen year old...). As the outer layer of our
cerebral cortex matures, we are capable of having different ideas, images about
the present moment and can then think of things differently and have a different
response (than a tantrum, for instance).

And this is great- if our surroundings are such that we feel safe, we are open
to learning and to our memory found in the hippocampus (oh if I get angry, I can
use my words) but if we do not feel safe then our amygdala, which is the part
that has to do with fear, rage, preserving us, kicks in to keep us safe and
there goes the memory, there goes the learning!

So fascinating to keep in mind- even for us as adults, when we feel threatened,
our amygdala kicks in. No wonder it is harder to keep our cool when our kids
are losing it around others and we feel judged! And particularly for kids whose
outer cerebral cortex has not matured, even kids who we think have learned to
respond in more socially acceptable ways, if they are feeling frightened,
judged, unsafe in any way, they are more likely to respond from that place of
fear, rage, self-preservation (from the amygdala). And if you have a highly
sensitive child whose nervous system is picking up MORE, well no wonder is all I
have to say there!

I love how this brain science is so in sync with what we know about attachment
and connection. It stands to reason that if our kids feel connected and safe
they will be able to respond from a different part of their brain than if they
are feeling disconnected and fearful.

looking forward t reading more about her experience. if you haven't already seen it, her TED talk is worth watching (it is actually worth watching more than once, so if you have seen it once, check it out again!)

Watching my kids look at Samuel's Nintendo DS together. Today Samuel told me I was the best mom ever and Eva gave me a medal she drew with a heart in the center for the soup I made for dinner. Such goodness all around.

A quiet day starting with rain and ending with sunshine. Tomorrow there will be time in the garden and I am hoping for a walk in the woods somewhere on Friday.

Our rat Charlie is really slowing down and enjoys sleeping in my hand with his head propped against my fingers and his body nestled against my sweater. He really seems to enjoy snuggling with all of us and asks to be taken out of his cage each time he sees me. He isn't eating as many treats now and actually left his morning eggs untouched. The kids are taking turns letting him sit on their laps and he sat between us last night when we were reading. We have talked about him passing on at some point soon. I have watched enough of these little rodent guys slow down now to know that he is close and I am happy I am able to spend this quiet time with him and thank him for his time here with us, appreciating his ratness.

and suddenly

it's spring! amazing to drive around, walk around the neighborhood and see the clusters of pink and red flowering trees, yellow spice bushes, rhododendrons starting, daffodils breezing, everywhere you look flowers, signs of spring. i was lucky to spend part of my day at my friend lisa's house helping out in her garden, surrounded by glorious daffodils big and small i just can't get enough of their yellow scent looking out at me.

walking our dog, putting together even more and more lego sets, every day more drawings, more time sitting with our senior cuddly warming up rat charlie, still chilly even with that spring time shift, birds nesting in the barn once more, swallow babies cheeping, horses playing with exercise balls have you ever seen anything as fun as that?

and would you believe i finished the sweater and am adding a hood. what else?