Outside on a day like today...

I just finished up a couple of exhausting and, as usual, humbling migraine-y days that began with a lot of pre-migraine symptoms, which were then followed by the actual migraine and then more actual migraine and then some crazy post-migraine, which was mainly just more exhaustion and not nearly enough a-ha-ing, for my taste. (A-ha-ing being one of the better side-effects of the migraine state of mind.) The pre-migraine this time had a lot to do with not being able to focus and feeling just very generally overwhelmed and done, and coming after Christmas- what turned out to be a very hectic-feeling Christmas for me, at that- it was a bit much. And part of that day was spent at Toys R Us. Right.

So, today was a huge relief and I spent a good bit of it outside doing yard work, cleaning up the patio, and raking leaves in the back on the patio and in the front in the foyer, which feels so clean and open now. All of that raking I put off back in October and November to either spend time with Maxwell or mourn Maxwell's passing has been- at least in part- taken care of and well worth putting off.

It was exhilarating being outside in the December sunshine with the geese flying overhead, particularly after the migraine was over. There tends to be, for me, a lovely sense of calm and clarity after a migraine that I wholeheartedly appreciate. A bit of silver-lining after the storm, if you will. Being outside really accentuates this feeling, what with the other creatures around me continuing on with it all and the enduring beauty of the world, punctuated {today} by circling seagulls and my rescuing of any number of stranded worms after I had raked up their adopted habitats. These are the sorts of things that will keep my eyes misty and searching on a day like today.

In between bits of sunshine, we had some *very* wintry weather, complete with the longest hail storm I have ever witnessed, or so it seemed at the time. This was followed by several variations on the theme of frozen-water-falling-from-the-sky, including {what I would label as} sleet, a little freezing rain, some slush and then a bit of regular rain. We are supposed to get some actual snow tonight, which would be fun, but I would enjoy an ice storm as well. If it's going to be impossible to drive around here, it might as well be as lovely as it can be. (Winter! Go ahead and pull out all of the stops. I know you are nearly done here in Oregon, as far as any freezing temperatures go {really} and ready to return to rain at any moment.)

segway segue

so this morning after i woke up i came into the kitchen and realized- after i hastily went through my email- that we had to get going early today because i was taking the kids to a class at omsi where they would learn about and then ride on a segway. i'm glad we went. samuel was glad he woke up. and all three of us, at it turns out, got to ride the segway. first the kids and then the adults. i never expect to participate in these types of classes and am always tickled when we get to try too. it was smoother than i had anticipated and much easier to turn and maneuver. and yes, i giggled when i first stepped onto it, leaned forward and got it to move.

but before riding on the segway, we learned a little about how it works. turns out there are 5? or was it 3? gyroscopes inside it helping to keep it oriented and balanced. and- to demonstrate this point, we each got to hold and try to move a gyroscope that was already rotating. and that was a fascinating sensation and i thought immediately about going to the omsi store after the class had finished to buy us our very own gyroscope to look at more at home. of course, when we got there, they had a different kind of gyroscope, not one you could hold in quite the same way as the one in the demonstration and i decided against buying it and was thus not out the $7.99 or so it would have been to bring it home and make it our own. i did, however, buy the kids rock candy because, as i was reminded by samuel, they so rarely get to eat rock candy. true. and i remembered that there comes a time, or at least there did for me, when i no longer wanted to eat rock candy. so- no rock candy and no gyroscope. for me.

but-before we left the house this morning, before i even woke up the kids, i stood next to the stove getting ready to make scrambled eggs and i saw out of the corner of my eye what looked like a bird flying across the living room. so- i went and stood in the middle of the room and as it turns out, it was a bird- a wren- who had flown across the living room, from one closed window to the next. and i wondered, how on earth did he get inside the house in the first place? and how long had he been there, perching briefly on my now blooming christmas cactus? for a moment i thought about how my one cat who would have possibly brought a bird into the house had recently passed away and how neither of my other two cats would catch a bird much less bring it into the house. and how- also- there seemed to be no open windows or doors.

i followed the little bird as he hopped along the window sill, hiding behind the curtains. he finally flew behind eva's table and perched on a cardboard box filled with animals or legos or ugly dolls or somesuch and peeked out at me when i peeked in at him. i expected him to fly pell mell through the living room when i finally found him. instead, i opened up the window for him and he flew, as though attached by a string, straight out the window and into the freedom and fresh air beyond.

and today was also the day that i picked up maxwell's ashes and paw print and fur clipping from the vet. and i wonder a little bit if the bird and his inexplicable presence in my living room this morning was a good luck wish from maxwell, a sweet hello from beyond. maybe.

later, as i walked out of the vet's office with my kids into the pouring portland rain, carrying my cat's ashes and wearing maryjanes and a sweater, thinking fondly of my new rain coat and boots warm and dry at home in the closet, i laughed and cried at the absurdity of it all. of missing maxwell. of trying to be prepared. trying to understand. of the whole day with the bird and the segways and the other moms in the class and all of us- all of us- really just trying to live our lives the best we can. the best we know how. which is all maxwell ever did in the first place. and which is probably one of the many reasons why i still miss him so much.

poncho gone shawl-ish

I finished up the poncho I had been working on. Actually, I knit the second panel while spending time with Maxwell during his last week with us. It's a nice memory, thinking of him sitting on my lap while I knit that poncho. Which is probably the main reason, now that I think about it, that I will keep it regardless of its actual likeness to the poncho I had imagined it would be.

After I finished up the bath puppets a few days ago I decided to sew up the sides and *finish* the poncho once and for all. There were a few issues with the size and shape, it turns out, the first being that how I had conceptualized it looking and how it actually looked varied enough to get me thinking about other ways to construct it. I looked at several poncho designs and finally decided on sewing one of the edges to an end and adding buttons to the other side to give it the flexibility of being either a poncho or a shawl, depending. (I found the buttons at the Button Emporium.)

But once I had sewn it up and added the buttons, I realized it was still too big to be worn {by me} in the way I had wanted. Oh well. It still makes a lovely shawl-ish throw type garment, though, and both Eva and I have used it today to warm up. It seems actually quite appropriate for us to be using it while sitting warmly inside. I'm positive that if Maxwell were here with us today he would have found a way to wrap up in the poncho as well. It really is the perfect bit of cat knitting.



One of the buttons before I realized that idea wouldn't work. Also- the many colors. The yarns come from various sources- a few from Flock and Fiber, a few from my stash, one bought for the project and two waiting around for the perfect rainy day.



Here it is on me. See what I mean about the size, particularly on one side? The yarn is pretty heavy, which also contributes quite a bit to how it drapes. I think, though, it could be doable if I get one of those shawl holder thingies (can't think of the name). It's worth a try. I have a stitch holder keeping it together in the picture and it isn't quite strong enough.



And really, this is the best possible use for it. Here is Eva warming up with the poncho in the morning. I guess I will keep calling it a poncho, for lack of a better word. Shawl-ish is good but doesn't seem to quite roll off the tongue, at least not yet.

zen and the art of missing maxwell

This is a cotton yarn that I hand dyed around eight years ago or so. It has been sitting with other unfinished knitting and knotted skeins of yarn all these years just waiting to be wound into neat little knit-with-able balls of yarn. Apparently my cat-missing-mind is just the right mind to undertake this task. I was pleased that this particular unwound skein was not as knotted and gnarled as I had thought it would be. Still, it's not a project I would choose for just any day. Obviously. I am planning to use this yarn to knit cotton bath puppets. All I can say is that people are going to be receiving A LOT of hand knits for Christmas gifts this year. Keeping my hands busy is definitely helping me with my missing-maxwell-mind.

Peace is every step.

Maxwell passed away yesterday afternoon at home. He was 13 1/2. He will be missed tremendously.

Here is some Maxwell back story I was working on a few days ago (or so). I'm a little overwhelmed these days and find I am having trouble finishing up any of the blog posts I have been starting during the free spaces my mind ekes out-

At some point while living in New York during the summer of 1997, I decided I wanted a second cat. I had done research about adding a second cat to our home to help our cat Agnes with the transition. I had also convinced myself that a second cat would be good for Agnes's health (read- weight) and emotional well being. She seemed so enthusiastic when she saw other cats sitting or walking outside our various apartments in Los Angeles and then Brooklyn, it seemed a shoe in that if I got the right cat as a roommate for her, she would be thrilled.

Thirteen years later and she is still not thrilled. Agnes likes to keep her distance from Maxwell and bristles- growls, even- when he passes too close to her. Just the other day, Maxwell was sitting on my lap and Agnes climbed up to sit next to me. As soon as she saw Maxwell, she began growling. I covered her eyes as I often do in these cases and she stopped growling. All is well as long as she can't actually see Maxwell. With her eyes covered, Agnes was finally able to relax and pretend {as it were} that Maxwell was not sitting on my lap being pet just six inches from her.

I keep wondering if she will miss him when he is gone. I was touched, then, when I saw her sitting with him in the hall a few days after the growling-on-my-lap incident from above. Agnes was peaceful as she sat near Maxwell. Completely relaxed. Resting. It was all I could do to not sit down in between them and enjoy their company together. I kept walking, though. I did not want to be the one to disrupt the delicate balance clearly at work there in the hallway. And of course, when I tried to return to take a picture to document the occasion, Agnes had already gotten up and moved on...

Death has been hovering about lately, keeping me primed and focused on living. Maxwell is a good teacher in this respect, waking me up at 4:30 in the morning, even after having such a hard time breathing the last few days. I get up to let him out and question him- don't you want to stay resting, go back to bed, stay still? Take care. In the way I think of taking care. He looks back at me, clear. Certain. If I am going to live, I am going to live. And I understand. Why bother staying alive, doing this living business, if he can't enjoy things as he does, enjoy his catness. Being. His time prowling about in the back yard, sleeping in the tall grass, checking on the squirrels. Trying for one last bird. Mouse in the shed? Even just getting up to greet the day, lounge in the shade while I sit outside to meditate in the morning. Sit on my lap. Neck scratches. Head pats. Plenty of time to rest and breathe easy. Breathe hard. Live. Such as it is. I actually saw him jump the fence yesterday. Focus on that as it comes. As it goes. And not throw it away even though it is not as it was. As it used to be. I think of our life. How really it is never quite as it used to be. Because it is now. Not then.

I take him snacks in the yard now, hoping to coax some eating from him here and there. This food toting thing has worn off on Eva, who found him in one of his resting spots near the side of the house, between two large patches of daisies, in the sunshine. She now takes him tasty plates of beef and salmon or lobster and chicken each day to keep him enjoying his time here. Licking his lips one last time.

At night he sleeps with me. Or he doesn't. I keep wondering when he will pass, hoping his time will be peaceful and easy. Close to home so that I know. He pushes on with living, taking what he likes, living life {as fully} as he can. As he always has. I laugh, remembering his high jinks from years ago. Opening doors on his own. Ringing the bell to be let out. His strange fascination with every printer we have ever owned. Sleeping on the neighbors' couches. Opening the yard up to other cats, much to the dismay of Agnes.

The other cats treat him well. Magoo still asks to have her head washed. Agnes still eyes him warily. Both are enjoying the greater variety of food entering the house these last several weeks.

I imagine what it will be like when he dies. How I will miss him. But {honestly!} (surely) that's cheating. After all, I will not really know what it is like to miss him, be without him- not really- until he is really gone. Really. I keep this in mind as he sits purring on my lap. I try to be like him. Focus on living. Purr. Enjoy. Be. I feel his presence, as it is now, as it has been for the last 13 years. My cat. My friend. And I know that if he's going to go about this business of living, the least I can do is go about living with him. And set death aside, as it always is, for the time being. And be.

And other times? I cry and know how much I will miss him when his time surely comes. And I let that be as well.

This post could read Cats Keeping Cool-



Samuel took this picture of Maxwell sleeping in the tall grass recently. And here is Magoo resting on some dried leaves.

But then I couldn't resist throwing in one of Albert looking extra cute. And he doesn't seem to be keeping cool here, although who can say really but him.



Albert snuggled between two blankets.

maxwell love

Maxwell, me, Albert, Eva. {My eyes are all red because I had been crying.} This was taken shortly after we found out about Maxwell's health. He's doing about the same but is at least eating a little. He particularly likes the different kitten foods I have found for him. We are going to try him on a steroid in a few days to see if that helps his breathing any. He is still loving his catnip and sits on my lap any chance he gets. Eva got him to eat the other day when he wouldn't even eat for me!

maxwell

So Monday I took Maxwell into the vet because he had lost quite a bit of weight (turns out it was nearly 3 1/2 pounds) and he was having trouble breathing. My vet sent us over to the animal hospital for chest x-rays and oxygen. Maxwell also ended up having an ultrasound (Echo) of his heart to determine whether his heart or his lungs were the primary cause of his breathing difficulties. While it turned out that he has an arrhythmia and his heart is enlarged, he also has a lot of fluid and extra tissue in his lungs. The doctor that we saw thinks that he most likely has advanced lung cancer and sent us home with ideas about how to make Maxwell's last days more comfortable for him. He is currently taking antibiotics to help reduce any bacterial infection he may also have in his lungs and to help rule out pneumonia, as well as a bronchodilator to help open up his airways so that he doesn't have to work so hard to breathe. I brought home some fancy foods to try and tempt him into eating and am so far very encouraged that he is enjoying his new food choices very much. He scampered off down the hall after eating for the first time in what seems like days. And I got out the catnip, which he is also enjoying. I frequently find him just sitting contently on the catnip piles on the floor. While his breathing is still labored, he seems to be enjoying himself immensely. Nothing like a little catnip to help balance things out.