berry goodness

I dragged myself over to the upick today after feeling down and in a funk for several days now. It was so worth it to take myself to one of my favorite places and take in the views, the air, the calm, the way-of-being of the country upick. Rows and rows of berries and trees and sky and raptors overhead. It was cool enough that the kids didn't start complaining immediately and there were just enough fall raspberries for me and the yellow jackets to fill up a pint. Nearly. More than I had hoped for. And that is the difference. Going in, my thoughts were all not-enough-this and no-good that. Coming out, I saw plenty and lots and goodness-for-all.

I had a moment while picking tomatoes when I noticed the contrast- so stark and unmistakable I had to pause and shake my head. I thought something like- wow I am feeling much better- still feeling a little mud stuck, a little sludge here and there, but better, definitely better. I had just started picking tomatoes and was looking around at some of the ones with black moldy bottoms, considering if I wanted more slicers or sauce tomatoes when another woman came over and asked how I was faring. She was extremely disappointed and bitter about the state of the tomatoes and had wanted much easier pickings. When I talked to her I realized I was feeling pretty positive about them. I was confident I would find how many I wanted and I felt relaxed and happy to be picking tomatoes at the upick. It was an undeniable shift for me and it felt great.

It also got me thinking about taking action to feel better. Frequently, I am able to turn my thinking around, shift my perspective enough to find some relief to feeling better, get back on track to enjoying myself and flowing with life and my kids. Sometimes, however, I find that my mind can take me so far down the road to despair that trying to climb back up to feeling better can take a long time- too long- if I rely on changing my thinking and perspective alone and the despair grows and feeds on itself and round and round I go. At some point on the road downhill all of the tried and true methods quit working- talking to friends, writing, positive thinking, shifting perspectives...and drastic put-me-in-the-car-and-go-somewhere-good action needs to be taken.

It's like this I think. At a certain point, the mind gets us wrapped up in itself and cannot find a way out of it's own misery. Happiness is found from within and all that. Yes. But what happens when within becomes so twisted and separate it cannot see beyond itself? Those are the times when evidence of connection from without can really help. Hence the upick. All is clearly well at the upick. The berries. The clarity. The expansion. I can literally feel the despair being wrung from my body as I stand among the berries, looking out at the trees, listening to the sparrows and hawks. I can feel my own expansion being nourished by all of the goodness around me. And this- this!- is what helped tip me in the direction of feeling better today.

I came away from the upick feeling more positive and hopeful than I had in days. A little connection, a little taking care and suddenly all of the other ways to shift start working again as well. What I realized after my trip to the upick is that my problem arose from two ideas- one helpful, one not. The first idea, that I am able to feel good regardless of external conditions, is a common spiritual theme and comes from the idea that our mind creates our suffering. If we can shift our thinking, our perspective, our suffering ends and we find peace within ourselves.

The second idea, that I should be able to feel good, regardless of external conditions, and if I can't, I must be doing something wrong, is clearly loaded. It is a set-up for failure and I have noticed that the worse I feel, the stronger and more righteous that second idea becomes. It is the type of erroneous thinking that if believed can send me spiraling further downward.

And so it happened that I believed that second thought and continued to not only feel upset, I continued to resist feeling upset as well- because I should. And the first thought? The helpful one? To me it is almost as if some thoughts are not accessible to us during certain states of mind and feeling. We need to take it one step at a time when at the bottom of that spiral. Oftentimes that first step needs to be some sort of outward movement (upward) toward ourselves, toward something we love, toward our hearts. Taking care is after all following our hearts. A movement toward something that we know will help us feel better, a sure thing so to speak. Even if our mind continues to resist. Even if it kicks and screams all the way to the upick, grumbling its reservations about there not being anything to pick this time of year anyway...

It is magical. Almost a miracle. As soon as I started feeling better, it was as if the whole world opened up- a world of hope and possibility. It was then that I knew for certain that the first idea was true- that I could feel good regardless of what was going on around me. It just took a little step in the right direction to get me there. A willingness to act in my own best interest and the courage to ignore another ill-thought out story- that if I can feel good regardless of my external conditions, I should not need to indulge my preferences and change my external situation to help me feel good. Good grief. When written out, these beliefs we carry around seem ludicrous at best. I have fallen into this trap before and am hoping that after today, after such a clear change following a step in the right direction, I will remember to reach for joy in whatever way I am inspired to do so. Movement of the mind, body or spirit, anyway you look at it, can bring joy.

OK. Here is the game plan I was presented with while picking fall raspberries with the yellow jackets today-

Be present with whatever comes up.
Trust in myself.
Reach for joy.
And always trust in love.