leap of faith

Caught myself falling back down into the {to be dramatic but truthful} abyss recently and was shocked {again} at how quickly it can happen. *It* being one of those slowly then all at once processes, much like the seasons turning or meringue whipping. Or birth. Or death. Two of the transition biggies in life. Some might say Life. I'm not sure if I would. Sometimes. Maybe. But not now. If there is a Life then there is a life and that has a grass-is-greener effect whereby you {or You?} waffle back and forth between the particular sorts of wisdom {or Wisdom? Hey, now that's going too far, don't you think?} and love to be found in each. When really it's just life. {Italics.}

I saw this morning that it is still too soon to read inspiring articles with titles like Ten Ways to Find Contentment in Your Life. I push it away with my hands, swatting at it. No. Because that, to be honest, is one of the problems. My mind gets busy with that sort of list and will certainly, at some point during the day, after having had fun trying out each of the ways, point out to me that I don't know how to be content enough. Or that I'm being content wrong. And I'll actually believe it {nine times out of ten. Seven on a good day.}. Such is the abyss.

But I did start doing some reading. Ummmmm. Existentialism. Absurdism. Postmodernism. You get the idea. And that has been good. I have actually found it to be reassuring. All of those thinkers, thinking these same thoughts, wondering these same ideas. The meaning of life and all that. I went so far as to read through several quick synopses of different philosophies {about life} and was relieved {again} to see there really is no consensus. Just thoughts. Some I agree with, some I don't. There are quite a few common themes out there among them. Some common conclusions. Still, as far as we know, we don't {really} know. And that's the truth of it. The biggest truth of it. And it comes down to this, as far as I am concerned- Which leap of faith are you willing to take? It was Soren Kierkegaard who coined the term leap of faith and while good old Soren and I have come to a few different conclusions, I thank him for his leap of faith concept. And I thank Albert Camus too, for looking so closely at the world and putting down his thoughts for others to relate to, so many years later.

And on that note, on that not-knowing note, here's a slice of our today-



Eva's ring collection. Ten rings, two for every finger.

birds *with* trees

This evening {starts so soon these days. I can't decide when to start calling it evening and when it is still afternoon...} Eva and I hung a few more of her drawings up. I wanted to get some of her fairies and well-dressed-ladies up on the wall. Afterward she was inspired to have me trace her on some of the rolled up paper we bought at the art supply store last month. The tracing turned out great and she is now working on decorating her paper-self. Photos to follow after she has finished. Turns out it is a pretty large project and the light in here is very dim.

Like I said, the lighting is rather dim. I can't help it. The blog must go on. And this {lighting issue} is what I'm dealing with {currently, in this life}.



This fancy fairy is one of my all time favorites and here is a lady in red. High heels for everyone.



These birds were done today and were a part of a larger photo story about how the birds are sad when we cut down all the trees. These birds are still happy and are shown in the larger drawing with trees. I know I feel better with trees too.

Dinner tonight

was ground mild Italian chicken sausage with a few potatoes from this week's CSA basket and sauteed greens (from last weeks basket)- what looked a bit like collards, but smaller than you usually see them. Plus apple crisp with three different local apples- Pink Ladies, Gala and Braeburn. I really must get to the farmers market this week for more apples because as local and seasonal as the ones I bought from New Seasons were, they were nothing like the ones we bought a few weeks ago at the market. I missed the apple upick this year and am definitely feeling it now. Still, three kinds of apples will make a very good crisp. Plus- and here's the best part, in my opinion- this amazing salad with cabbage, mesclun mix, arugula and carrots, all fresh from my own garden tonight! I added pomegranate and slivered almonds, our first pomegranates of the season. We have all been nibbling on those and the first satsumas of the year all evening with visions of pomegranate granita dancing in our heads. I had all but forgotten about satsumas (how does that even happen?) until a woman at the grocery had some in line ahead of me and I rushed back to pick out a few of my own. It is still a little early so they are on the expensive side, but so worth it for the boost in spirit alone. {Not to mention the taste.} {Not to mention how excited Eva is.}

The day started out slow as they have been of late and I bought two blues buster light bulbs at the store this afternoon AND took a walk in the middle of the day in the sunshine AND went out to the garden to find vegetables for a fresh salad. All of this contributes to a better mind-set. The salad was the icing on the cake, to make it stick a little longer. Plus, I found a few baby sunflowers just now blooming on thick stems bending down toward the ground and still so many flowers outside for November. My Wisconsin-trained-mind never can remember how warm it stays here for so long.



Carrots planted a few months ago picked tonight. Petunias still blooming...



Baby sunflowers blooming, several on an already bent stalk. Salad!

current books

Around the time that Maxwell died, the kids and I finished up several ongoing stories we had been working on. We finished the 7th Harry Potter book (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) and are now eagerly anticipating the 7th movie due out on November 19th. We finished up the back seasons for both Glee and the Office. Since his death, I have also indulged quite a bit in Grey's Anatomy and am now officially caught up on that. I've also watched several Woody Allen movies which have been a lot of fun.

Since finishing up Harry Potter, we have read the Princess Academy by Shannon Hale, a Newberry winner and are currently reading the Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo, also a Newberry winner. When we finish Despereaux, I think we will go ahead and watch the movie- it's usually interesting to see how the movie compares to the book and one of the things that we enjoyed about Harry Potter was ending each book with the corresponding movie.

Before reading either of the above books, we started reading A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. We ended up not finishing it because we actually weren't thrilled with it. I'm not sure why, it seemed to differ for each of us. I had originally started reading Wrinkle... to the kids because we are supposed to see a play based on it in the spring and I thought it would be fun to read the book beforehand. I had also never read it as a kid and had always heard good things about it. The good that came from starting it in the first place was that it got me to check out the list of Newberry winners again, another great place to find new books to read.

Two books that are sitting in our reading pile that I think we will read next are The Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg and Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. The kids are also reading the Lord of the Rings series by J. R. R. Tolkien with Matt. He read them the Hobbit last year. They are really enjoying the story and are looking forward to the movies once they have finished reading.

In addition to watching Woody Allen movies, I have also been reading a few different books including Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (actually my first Vonnegut book aside from a feeble attempt at a short story in college) and Sentimental Education by Gustave Flaubert (I am a sucker for French 19th century realism and it has been too long since I've bitten off a book like this one.). I've also been reading the Chocolate Cake Sutra by Geri Larkin. Although I confess that my attention for reading hasn't been what it could be and I have been doing far more knitting than reading lately. I'm currently looking for owl knitting patterns and am excited to have found a pair of fingerless gloves on ravelry with owl patterns on the fingers...

Look closely

Seeds in the garden-





Four sunflower shots



and one cardoon.

Fall

And now it's most definitely fall. For this brief bit of time, the season is balanced. Fully itself. Caught between where it has come from and where it will eventually go. Everywhere I look there is evidence of fall. Where better to notice these changes than in the food that surrounds us. Apples on the counter. Banana bread. Cauliflower cheese soup. Each vegetable in this week's produce basket was filled with fall. No more lingering tomatoes. It's all cauliflower and fennel. Cabbage, not salad mix. Celery root has made it's second appearance. Fall.

The leaves have changed. Many have fallen. Bare trees, those first to turn last month, share space with other trees only now just changing their colors. Some of the neighbors have been raking for a few weeks now. I'm lucky that our oak tree is comparatively late to drop its leaves. We will have red leaves in our front yard for the next few weeks. Yellow leaves from our maple blanket the backyard lawn. My plans to mow one last time gone now that the rain has begun in earnest. Fall.

And it's looking for indoor spaces. Indoor time. Sunshine but mostly rain. Crisp leaves underfoot. It's carrying hats and gloves wherever we go. It's boots. It's darkness beginning each day earlier than the day before. I breathe deeply the crisp, cool air. I let it sink into me. For this moment, just for this moment. It is simply fall. Fall.

on bowling alleys and food found therein

Today, while getting ready to go to the bowling alley for home school bowling, I told Samuel and Eva that I wanted us to eat before we left the house because a) we have a lot of food in the house and b) I didn't feel like spending very much on food while we were there. The last time we went bowling there were fries and pizza and sodas and any number of other foods of that sort. And I really wanted to go to the bowling alley on the cheap. Or at least think about it. Plus, it seems like we get in this habit of going places and eating food everywhere we go and it adds up and the food that we have at home just sort of sits there. So.

So Samuel said to me, "I'm not hungry now." I raised my eyebrows at this. It seemed slightly suspect to me because he had been up for a few hours and had so far eaten nothing. But who am I to presume hunger on someone else? Or so goes my motto {usually} {at least}. Still, the ticking of the clock and the idea of efficiently eating lunch at home before going to the bowling alley were also sitting fairly solidly in my mind. Oh the balance of it all.

In the time that it took me to go over these two points of view and make myself some lunch, Samuel had come up with more information. These are his exact words. He said he didn't want to "waste an opportunity to eat good food." I actually did a double take. Then he said something like, "Don't get me wrong. The food we eat at home is good. It's just normal. The food at the bowling alley is a treat." This is hilarious to me. It has been a long long time since I considered anything served at the bowling alley to be good food. Much less a treat.

And. In addition to doing a double take and suppressing a bit of a chuckle, I was really grateful. Glad even. That Samuel had chosen to phrase it just like that and let me know what the bowling alley food meant to him. It completely shifted my perspective. Don't get me wrong; I didn't *not* want us to eat lunch before leaving the house. No, I still wanted that. But- I did see how and why he might look forward to a grilled cheese at the bowling alley. And how that has very little to do with the food I had planned for us to eat for lunch. And how a normal we-eat-this-every-day turkey sandwich might seem just-a-little-bit like a let down after thinking he might have been able to have bowling alley food. And who knows- again, not I- how long he had been considering the bowling alley food. When in I march, with all sorts of plans for eating at home and such. It's good to get all of the information.

And do you know? While at the actual bowling alley, all Samuel ended up wanting was a bag of chips and a soda. So not really much of a surprise there. Still on the cheap. And so much less of a break in connection than if I had gone through all of the actual motions of putting-my-food-down. Not that I necessarily relented. Once I understood where he was coming from. What was important to him. What was on his mind. The whole thing became a sort of non-issue. Amazing. Plus, now I know. At least for the time being.